Monday, February 6, 2012
Dir. Tony Maylam
Ah, the buddy cop movie that had its peak during the 80s and 90s with the Lethal Weapon franchise. They all progress in the same way. Two mismatched cops are abruptly assigned to work together and don’t get along well at all. One is the good cop that plays by the book, while the other is a total dick. Eventually, though, the two discover they have something in common and find they can get along pretty well despite their differences. The bad boy cop is supposed to have some redeeming value at some point that’s supposed to make him mesh well not only with his partner, but also the audience. Somehow the writers of Split-Second managed to get the first part of this simple formula right, but forgot to make Rutger Hauer’s Detective Harley Stone likeable in any way, shape, or form.
“They say he’s the best” claims someone at the beginning of the movie, who we’re supposed to assume knows something about Detective Stone that the audience doesn’t. Yet, this becomes hard to buy into after Stone barges into a nightclub, says ‘Police, Dick-head!’ to a confused-looking dog, and fires indiscriminately at rats in an alleyway.
Somehow, someone came under the impression after seeing Blade Runner, that Rutger Hauer was grade-A material for an action star. They even have him dress in a long leather trench coat, wearing some of the most unfitting John Lennon sunglasses, and smoking a cigar that he lights with a blowtorch as though he were Schwarzenegger. He slings his shotgun over his shoulder to complete an image that can only be described as crass.
Split-Second is set in what is supposed to be a post-apocalyptic London, England, in the not so distant future of…2008. According to the prologue, global warming has caused massive floods around the world, which ironically isn’t that far off from the truth. Yet the only impact this creates is having Split-Second’ characters slushing around knee-deep in water. This seems less a way to create a realistic vision for the future, and more for a way to cover up the fact that they couldn’t afford any decent set pieces. The London of the future looks an awful lot like the London of the 1990s, but with lots more water. In fact, considering that the futuristic setting has absolutely no bearing at all on the plot, one can’t help but think that maybe there were just a lot of leaky pipes in the studio at the time and they needed some half-ass way of including it into the movie.
Split-Second’s story is really more horror than sci-fi and I mean that in the loosest possible way. We don’t really get to see the shape-shifting, serial-killing monster that’s been plaguing Stone until the end of the movie. Usually this is a trick that horror directors do, where they don’t reveal the monster until the end to build up suspense. I don’t think the people who made Split-Second were competent enough to rip off a better horror movies. It seems more likely they didn’t even have the monster effects finished until near the end of shooting. And when I say monster effects, I really mean a rip-off of the creature from Alien using a motorcycle helmet barely hidden with lots of ooze.
Split-Second actually does manage to be entertaining at some point around the middle. After Stone spends most of the movie being a total dick to Dirkin, his fellow police officers, and pretty much every extra in the movie, the two officers start to bond. It’s not explained why, but I imagine a couple of deadly encounters with the creature made them feel they have a common enemy. This results in a slightly amusing scene where the two go shopping for ‘bigger guns’. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for the movie to transform into a contest of which character can say the lamest one-liners. I actually laughed not at how clever Split-Second’s attempts at humour were, but how stupid.
Despite all of the above problems, the one that hurts Split-Second the most is that not only is its basic premise weak, but it doesn’t even know what it wants to be. Aside from the puddles of water everywhere and the impractically large guns, it’s not really science fiction and could have just as easily been set in the present day. It’s not really a good horror movie since its monster just isn’t frightening. It sure as hell isn’t an action movie since the only thing Rutger Hauer and Alastair Duncan actually shoot at is their own careers.